Reflections...

I used to read this Men’s magazine. Not the nudey kind, but one of the one centered around health and fitness. I had a subscription, frequented their website, and read their advice about how I should work out, what I should eat, and how I should bang my wife. It all sounded great, and the payoffs seemed amazing. Shit, just looking at the magazine editor himself was enough to make you feel like you were being handed the recipie from ambrosia from the hands of one of the gods made flesh. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but the guy is in shape. Why wouldn’t he, and his team of crack writers, be an excellent source when it comes to how to whip my fat ass back in to shape? I was jazzed. I was psyched. I was going to DO this. I was going to start right NO-…wait…no....that’s not going to work. I’ve got to get a gym membership first. That’s going to have to wait until payday, BUT RIGHT AFT-. No..wait. The diet in here is pretty specialized, that’s going to take a trip to the grocery store. Not Food Dog either, I’m going to have to go that really expensive one that the stuck up parents from my daughter’s middle school talk about. That’s probably going to have to wait until the NEXT payday since I’ve got to get that gym membership. But right after THA-. Oh, I should probably work with a personal trainer when I start to make sure I don’t hurt myself working with the weights. Ummm…I guess I could shuffle some money around, but where the hell am I even going to find the time for this. I’ve got work, school, three kids, a wife, and a dog that all need my attention and what’s left of my paycheck. Well. Fuck.

Surprise! The guys who write these articles and edit these magazines get paid money to do this stuff for a living, and far more than I do. So they have more money and they don’t need to pry the time out of the cold, dead fingers of a load of other obligations. They talk about the time and money that it takes to accomplish these things like they are nothing, when in reality they are they are the most precious of commodities to most people. Not only do they get paid to do this shit so they can write about it, but they have people falling all over themselves to give them free stuff in hopes that they will plug them in some article. Gym memberships, supplements, gym clothes, specialized equipment, etc. Being fit and telling you how they got there is literally their JOB. It’s super easy to tell people how to get as fit as you are when all that crap is just handed to you. If you’ve got the money and the time to follow along with these guys, then I really hope you have something better to do than listen to me bitch; if you’re like me me, however, and have a job, family, and a real life to worry about then you just can’t live life like these guys.

Then there’s the other end of the spectrum. Six minute this, and lounge that, and electrocute-the fuck-out-of-yourself quick solutions that will give you big results with a minimum amount of time and effort. Tons of now hot women can’t wait to tell you how big a difference it’s made and how much it turns them on that you want to try it too. Buff guys standing next to horrific “before” pictures flexing and showing you the kind of man you want to be. All of these people standing there without a flaw, stretch mark, or fat flap even though they’ve lost over eighty pounds. So not only will you lose a ton of weight with these diets/pills/programs/torture devices/masturbatory aids, but they are old magic that can completely violate the laws of physical science. Fuck yea! I’m sure those people aren’t paid, right? They just believe in the product so much that they’ve just got to get up there wearing next to nothing and give you physical proof of this mind-blowing awesomeness, right? Right? You were so busy with your head full of thoughts about where you’re going to buy all your new clothes and how you’re going to fight off all the ladies that you missed the part where they said “combined with diet and exercise” or “has been known to cause cramping, tarry stools, and erectile dysfunction or asshole cancer or something” or my favorite, “results not typical”. What. The. Hell. You mean I can’t really get kick ass results without devoting some time, effort, or money in to what I’m doing? You suck. I don’t like your answers.

Truth is, you’re going to have to part with something. Anything worth having is going to require some level of sacrifice on your part, but you shouldn’t have to quit your job and sell a kidney (but if you want to, I know a guy) just to make it happen either. The only time I have that I’m not nuts in a vice busy lately is when I’m sleeping, so when I finally made a decision to do something real about my ever-expanding ass that’s where I stole the time from. 4 am is a bitch of a time to have to get up every morning, but looking in my closet and seeing that I can’t wear over half of the clothes I own any more is worse. So were the test results from the doctor saying that I am on a collision course with diabetes. Time isn’t the only thing that you’re going to have to sacrifice. Eating healthy can be more expensive than eating crap all the time, and if you’re like me trying to exercise at home just isn’t going to work for you. You don’t need a membership to some mega-gym and a personal trainer. We have a membership to an organization that offers a lot for the whole family to do, as well as an initial consultation to give you some guidance with your workout plan, and you’re going to need guidance. I thought I was pretty well versed in health and nutrition from all the reading I had done and one good health kick a few years ago that lost me about 30 pounds so I didn’t bother with the whole free fitness orientation thing. The first three weeks went by and I had lost exactly dick.5 pounds. I got a little frustrated and went to the orientation. Two weeks later I’m down five pounds and feeling better than I have in ages. If you think you know what you’re doing, you probably don’t. That’s fine, not a lot of people do, just get some help.

It’s not easy, but seeing the progress makes it easier. Food is a whole different topic all together, and while I’m sure that each and every one of you is completely enraptured by what I have to say I’m going to have to save that one for another day.